This post is more specific to my emotional struggles than my finances. It appears here because my financial circumstances are largely driven by my emotional state and my tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again. I think that exploring, dissecting, and understanding my emotional pitfalls will help me avoid repeating the financial missteps that led to this blog.
“So how are you doing?” she asked
I paused the video game for a moment and looked over at my roommate’s girlfriend sitting next to me on the futon. She was waiting for Mike to finish showering before they went out on their date.
“I… uh. It’s kind of hard to say…”
No it’s not.
“What do you mean?”
No harm in being honest with her, since I’m not trying to date her and I’m not interested in her that way.
“I never thought I would be this unhappy with this much money,” I replied bluntly.
I gestured to the gigantic screen in front of me. “I play video games to take my mind off my own thoughts. I’m hoping that the more time goes by that… something will click inside me and I’ll be motivated to do something.”
“I just feel so empty inside. I don’t see a point to doing anything anymore… I feel like I’ve tried everything but no matter what I do, I’m never going to be able to attract someone I want into my life.” I set my controller down, “That there’s no point in exercising, dressing well, making a lot of money, going on dates, writing, socializing… improving myself, learning to cook, buying a new car, being honest…”
I pursed my lips. I was rambling again.
“And when you realize that it doesn’t matter what you do, that you’re always going to be alone and there’s nothing you can do about it… it just kills your motivation to do things. To even try anymore. Because what’s the point? Nobody wants to be alone.”
“I have more professional and financial success than I ever thought I would have at this point. I have everything going for me and yet I feel so empty inside. I feel like I’m wasting away my life and I don’t even see a point in changing.“
I shook my head and repeated myself,
“I never thought I could be this unhappy with this much money. I just feel so empty inside and I struggle to care about anything anymore. I struggle to see the point in trying.”
I still don’t understand the point in any of this. And so I just try to live as comfortably as I can until the day I finally get to lay down and die.
Mike came out of the shower and she gave me some parting words of encouragement before joining him. I tuned everything out and went back to my video game.
In an interesting place right now, emotionally.